Phe feels wanted, but she's not sure if she likes it.

"Where have you been?"

I've been hiding, like I always do. Not because I hate them, but because I am a solitary kind of animal. I have trouble opening up to most people. Still when Sahra, Michelle, and Zachary literally send me texts saying that they flat out really want to see me I can't say no. I feel good. Michelle is convinced that I will be her new best friend. Since her and Lana aren't friends anymore I suppose she is lonely. Michelle is a nice girl, and I'm glad she wants to get close, but in all honesty I don't really need a best friend. A best friend would be nice, I haven't had a true best friend since Kitty. That was 2 years ago. I am okay with just having a group of close friends, I don't spend much time one on one with people. There is alot of pressure for me in those kinds of situations. I am an introverted, critical kind of person.

Still I saw Michelle monday and I am seeing her again Saturday. I think I want to try becoming best friends with her. Why not? I mean I'm not going to pressure myself into it but if someone wants to be close with me they can't be all that bad right?

Me and Kristin have been having some kind of problems. They are there but not clear. They are weird problems. We are still friends but I feel kind of uncomfortable around her.

Me and my boyfriend Riley have gotten very close. I can tell him anything. He's the person that I want to be around every chance that I get. Luckily he feels the same way. He told me that he loves me this weekend but I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure if I know what love is. We've been together two months but it's true that I've like him well over a year. He hasn't said it since then I guess since I changed the subject...he noticed I'm sure, he's not dumb. I don't know when I will tell Riley I love him...I guess when I love him? Well I'm not sure. Maybe I already love him. I think about him all the time, and I ache when he's away. Isn't that love? I think about holding him all the time and cupping his face, everyday I don't see him is hard. I wonder if I tell him I miss him too much, but I really do. He tells me the same often, but I wonder if I say it too much if I seem too clingy. I never want to seem clingy.

I handle rejection terribly, I'm pretty sure that I'm paranoid about it too.

I really really really really really really want to see riley.

I don't know if I can wait until friday.

I am talking to him now at least...when he gets out of work and I get that text message it makes my day better.

I am still working at Olive Garden :). Of course I am hoping to have that job well past graduation, when all goes well it can be used to help pay off my groceries while I am suffocating in debt from medical school. I am excited to start summer classes but alittle worried since I am doing 9 credits. Summer classes are twice as fast with twice as much work so in reality I am doing 18 credits. I want to get A's in all my classes to raise up my 3.74 to a 3.8 something...

In America we advocate the extroverts, but as that weird awkward introverted science major...that's not me. I am not a people person. I like anatomy and going places by myself. I am difficult to understand, I don't open up easily.

Phe has only covered part one

Phe is still introverted and possesive. Phe is still has her anti social tendencies.

Riley is still self centered and selfish.

My hostessing job needs to be improved. I am working harder on being more happy and less socially awkward during my hostessing job at Olive Garden. This job is very important to me, and I want it all throughout college so I need to do a well job to ensure job security for the future. I don't have a negative attitude, and I'm willing to work towards improvement. I don't do my job poorly, but I do need to be more perky and more mindful of social situations. That's what the manager Randy advised. (Is a scary way with his face red and blotchy)

I guess I would be more scared if I were alone, but there were other hosts being yelled at for other things so I didn't feel like I was being the bad guy alone. A good thing about me is that I can take critism. I am calm, mature, and respectful. I do what I'm told at a job and don't give attitude about it. I don't roll my eyes when I am being scolded or smack talk the managers.

I try to act grown up and responsible.

I am good at acting grown up and responsible.

That's one thing that I am truly good at.

But I'm still insecure, and I still feel alone. I am bad at making friends, I am bad at becoming close to people. If I wanted to improve I could, but I like to keep to myself. I don't feel that lonely but I do feel improper. Like everyone else operates in a way apart from me. That I do have friends and do have a social life, but it's a bit of a chore. I feel like school, work, family, and my boyfriend are more important than my friends. I know that ditching your friends for your boyfriend is a toxic equation. But if I felt closer to my friends I don't think I would be as tempted to ditch them.

Sahra, Kristin, and Shelly are on a whole nother' plane than me. I especially feel seperated from Kristin. I just feel like I don't even respect her anymore. I'm not even tempted to talk to her really. Maybe I feel even more like this right now because my head feels heavy. I am trying to drink coke zero to lighten up. I'm not sure if it's a headache or if I am just really tired.

I don't even know anymore.

I work 4:30pm DBD. I'm not sure if I stay till door lock but I still know that I am gaurenteed to get out by at least 10pm. Which is great news for me. I worked a 12 hour shift last saturday and almost 11 hours last saturday. I am a hard working girl. I might have been too lazy to run a mile around my highschool gym, but I am hard working where it counts.

My goal is to be under 115 all this month, and to lose a pound every month until July. Then I will be under 111 all the time. My UGW I suppose. It's just a mere 4 lbs to shread and I guess I'm not in a hurry. If I lose too fast I'll have to run out and buy jeans, and I am all about being a cheap ass right now. It's true that I spend alot the past two months on crap but now I am tying the wallet closed. I can't be spending money like it shoots out my ass. I am going to be more responsible. I didn't spend it on anything that expensive, but just a bunch of small crap. Still it adds up. No more.

After a long night at olive garden, Phe had an epiphany.

What was once important was lost...and Phe was alone. But Phe was fine.

Phe will not go where she does not belong, Phe will not join where she does not feel welcome. Phe will not chase anymore shadows, she will not scream in the dark. Phe will not be overly kind, Phe will not be unkind. Phe will represent justice.

She tried to explain this to Riley but he did not understand.

Phe is dettatched, Phe is idle, Phe is dispassionate...and she is free.

She doesn't care about scrambling to keep her friends anymore, she's letting it go, loosing the grip onto them. They can come and go as they please and Phe will be fine, because she has herself. The strongest love she gets is from Phe, the most understanding she gets from Phe, and the best companionship she has is Phe.

She only needs herself.