Tuesday, 09 March 2010
Phe feels wanted, but she's not sure if she likes it.
"Where have you been?"
I've been hiding, like I always do. Not because I hate them, but because I am a solitary kind of animal. I have trouble opening up to most people. Still when Sahra, Michelle, and Zachary literally send me texts saying that they flat out really want to see me I can't say no. I feel good. Michelle is convinced that I will be her new best friend. Since her and Lana aren't friends anymore I suppose she is lonely. Michelle is a nice girl, and I'm glad she wants to get close, but in all honesty I don't really need a best friend. A best friend would be nice, I haven't had a true best friend since Kitty. That was 2 years ago. I am okay with just having a group of close friends, I don't spend much time one on one with people. There is alot of pressure for me in those kinds of situations. I am an introverted, critical kind of person.
Still I saw Michelle monday and I am seeing her again Saturday. I think I want to try becoming best friends with her. Why not? I mean I'm not going to pressure myself into it but if someone wants to be close with me they can't be all that bad right?
Me and Kristin have been having some kind of problems. They are there but not clear. They are weird problems. We are still friends but I feel kind of uncomfortable around her.
Me and my boyfriend Riley have gotten very close. I can tell him anything. He's the person that I want to be around every chance that I get. Luckily he feels the same way. He told me that he loves me this weekend but I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure if I know what love is. We've been together two months but it's true that I've like him well over a year. He hasn't said it since then I guess since I changed the subject...he noticed I'm sure, he's not dumb. I don't know when I will tell Riley I love him...I guess when I love him? Well I'm not sure. Maybe I already love him. I think about him all the time, and I ache when he's away. Isn't that love? I think about holding him all the time and cupping his face, everyday I don't see him is hard. I wonder if I tell him I miss him too much, but I really do. He tells me the same often, but I wonder if I say it too much if I seem too clingy. I never want to seem clingy.
I handle rejection terribly, I'm pretty sure that I'm paranoid about it too.
I really really really really really really want to see riley.
I don't know if I can wait until friday.
I am talking to him now at least...when he gets out of work and I get that text message it makes my day better.
I am still working at Olive Garden :). Of course I am hoping to have that job well past graduation, when all goes well it can be used to help pay off my groceries while I am suffocating in debt from medical school. I am excited to start summer classes but alittle worried since I am doing 9 credits. Summer classes are twice as fast with twice as much work so in reality I am doing 18 credits. I want to get A's in all my classes to raise up my 3.74 to a 3.8 something...
In America we advocate the extroverts, but as that weird awkward introverted science major...that's not me. I am not a people person. I like anatomy and going places by myself. I am difficult to understand, I don't open up easily.
Tuesday, 02 March 2010
Phe keeps dreaming about mice.
Nibbiling anyway at herself, small problems that add up and eat away at her.
I keep trying to capture a mouse, to fix a problem but it always gets away. I am afraid of touching the mice but I want to. I want to fix my problem but maybe I am afraid to go there. The mice always get away, there are so many of them. In my dream there was at least 50. All over my living room wall, borrowing holes in the wall, dark and damp floor that looks like it belonged in an unfinished basement. What were the mice eating? I can remember. The mice were kind of cute, but the numbers were what scared me I guess.
I'm not afraid of mice, but I guess that many overwhelmed me?
Yesterday at work things went alot better. I felt more positive and upbeat, and I think I did my job better. I worked with Felecia and I like her. Deb was there and dumb. I just wish she would do her job. If she just worked as greeter like she is supposed to I would love her. She is a good greeter, but she runs all over the resturant doing hell knows what and is never there when a customer is there to come in. She's supposed to open the door and say hi, it's not rocket science.
I am greatful for my job.
$9.00 an hour for hostessing! I made $240 last week! I am still bugeting hard on money. I decided that I will only try to spend $30 a month on eating out and stuff. I will also stop spending money on dumb useless crap. Perfume doesn't count though, that's my only vice. It's the only thing I allow myself to be dumb about. I keep 8 bottles of body splash and 4 bottles of nicer perfume around at all times. I switch around the scents and have alot of fun. Smelling good is the one thing that always makes me feel good. Smelling good always brightens my day.
Today I am wearing Cucumber Melon by bath and body. Totally cliche and classic but I still love it. Yesterday I wore Sensual Amber. I put in in my purse for this weeekend when I stay at Riley's house. All my body splashes came from bath and body works. I also want to get Vanilla bean Noel and another bottle of Warm Vanilla Sugar. I fucking love vanilla. I got Ginger Vanillla perfect autumn body splash from them. Riley says it smells old ladyish but I don't care. I still love it.
I like classic thing, pretty things, delicate things, elegant things, quiet things, lacy things, clean things, soft things, glass things, shiny things, colorful things.
I am very feminime. My favorite 3 things that I can see right now are my boquet of assorted pink and purple daises from valentines day (from riley!), my britney spears perfume coreffet, and the bottle of cucumber melon sitting on my vanity. I want to take a shower now badly and feel all squeaky clean. But first I want to finish writing what I am writing here. Although I do not know what I am writing. If anyone ever reads this I wonder if they think that what I am doing here is very time consuming, but I think I have a gwam of over 60. I have gotten to be so damn fast at typing. I could have gotten an office job if Olive Garden hadn't hired me.
I guess now I am going to the movies with Riley and meijer people on Friday. I am kind of sad about that because he doesn't realize that I am going to be busy for the next 3 weekends after the weekend of March 13th. But still I don't say anything. I don't beg to have people spend time with me. That's up to them. I never say a word.
I like knowing this and not telling him. Maybe when I'm busy he'll realize his mistake, I feel guilty for getting pleasure realizing this. I just want to feel valued. But I don't deserve to be valued. Especially when I think the way that I do. I throw myself under buses, it rarely happens the other way around. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be hated and ignored. If I were hated and ignored I don't know if I could blame them.
If I was hated and ignored I would be lonely, sad, and free. The first two parts are hard but the 3rd is something I long for. I wish that I were free. I don't want to worry about what my friends think, I don't want to worry about being the perfect girlfriend. I could just worry about getting good grades and making money. Which are things that I am good at. And being a good daughter, which I already am.
Keeping my room clean...which I am good at.
Waking up in the morning without looking at my phone. Never going on facebook and never reading another status. Never meeting another new face, never trying to make a good impression. Never worrying about my melanchonic nature being misinterpreted. I am difficult to understand.
Most people think they are difficult to understand. Maybe all people are difficult to understand. I wonder if the way I think is really special or unique.
I am like the color grey blue.
I'm calm, soothing, mature, and understated. Most people find me too uniteresting or too placid to pay much attention to. I don't have alot of fans, but I don't have alot of enemies.
Monday, 01 March 2010
Phe has only covered part one
Phe is still introverted and possesive. Phe is still has her anti social tendencies.
Riley is still self centered and selfish.
My hostessing job needs to be improved. I am working harder on being more happy and less socially awkward during my hostessing job at Olive Garden. This job is very important to me, and I want it all throughout college so I need to do a well job to ensure job security for the future. I don't have a negative attitude, and I'm willing to work towards improvement. I don't do my job poorly, but I do need to be more perky and more mindful of social situations. That's what the manager Randy advised. (Is a scary way with his face red and blotchy)
I guess I would be more scared if I were alone, but there were other hosts being yelled at for other things so I didn't feel like I was being the bad guy alone. A good thing about me is that I can take critism. I am calm, mature, and respectful. I do what I'm told at a job and don't give attitude about it. I don't roll my eyes when I am being scolded or smack talk the managers.
I try to act grown up and responsible.
I am good at acting grown up and responsible.
That's one thing that I am truly good at.
But I'm still insecure, and I still feel alone. I am bad at making friends, I am bad at becoming close to people. If I wanted to improve I could, but I like to keep to myself. I don't feel that lonely but I do feel improper. Like everyone else operates in a way apart from me. That I do have friends and do have a social life, but it's a bit of a chore. I feel like school, work, family, and my boyfriend are more important than my friends. I know that ditching your friends for your boyfriend is a toxic equation. But if I felt closer to my friends I don't think I would be as tempted to ditch them.
Sahra, Kristin, and Shelly are on a whole nother' plane than me. I especially feel seperated from Kristin. I just feel like I don't even respect her anymore. I'm not even tempted to talk to her really. Maybe I feel even more like this right now because my head feels heavy. I am trying to drink coke zero to lighten up. I'm not sure if it's a headache or if I am just really tired.
I don't even know anymore.
I work 4:30pm DBD. I'm not sure if I stay till door lock but I still know that I am gaurenteed to get out by at least 10pm. Which is great news for me. I worked a 12 hour shift last saturday and almost 11 hours last saturday. I am a hard working girl. I might have been too lazy to run a mile around my highschool gym, but I am hard working where it counts.
My goal is to be under 115 all this month, and to lose a pound every month until July. Then I will be under 111 all the time. My UGW I suppose. It's just a mere 4 lbs to shread and I guess I'm not in a hurry. If I lose too fast I'll have to run out and buy jeans, and I am all about being a cheap ass right now. It's true that I spend alot the past two months on crap but now I am tying the wallet closed. I can't be spending money like it shoots out my ass. I am going to be more responsible. I didn't spend it on anything that expensive, but just a bunch of small crap. Still it adds up. No more.
Phe is no miracle. She hasn't changed much.
I'm mad and I can feel the blood rushing to my head. We planned this stupid weekend together, and he texted me asking to have friends over friday night. Initial reaction was hurt.
What am I that boring that you already trying to make other plans? We spent last friday with friends. Gee thanks.
Will I say no?
No I will not.
Because I don't want to be obsessive and I don't want to be controlling. And I don't want to be the one who is totally nuts over someone who doesn't care as much about me.
I just say whatever and throw my hands up.
I feel ugly for being mad. I try justifying. But I am mad, I know I am mad. But I ashamed of being mad. Why do I care so much when he doesn't? That's ugly and pathetic. I tell myself that I will see my brother for 2 hours, enough to be polite, and then go see riley and not ruin his night. The world doesn't revolve around him, I do the right thing by seeing my brother, and I still spend the night with him and his friends.
What the hell could anyone be angry about?
My brother is coming home friday night. I've only seen him one day in the past two months. I was going to leave my brother to go see Riley and spend time with him for our weekend. But now Riley is having friends over, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal if I come by later. Spending time with me alone is definetly not one of his top priorities. But no, Riley wants me over at four.
That's not happening.
Fine, if he wants to spend time with friends no big deal. He can. I won't be a bitch about it. But if he gets to see his friends then I want to see my brother. That only seems fair, am I right? It's not like I'm ditching him for the whole night. We always do what he wants to do. Not this time. I'm going to see my brother that I miss.
My brother will be here until Thursday. Maybe I shouldn't see him?
I don't know.
When I make up my mind it isn't made up.
Thursday, 11 February 2010
After a long night at olive garden, Phe had an epiphany.
What was once important was lost...and Phe was alone. But Phe was fine.
Phe will not go where she does not belong, Phe will not join where she does not feel welcome. Phe will not chase anymore shadows, she will not scream in the dark. Phe will not be overly kind, Phe will not be unkind. Phe will represent justice.
She tried to explain this to Riley but he did not understand.
Phe is dettatched, Phe is idle, Phe is dispassionate...and she is free.
She doesn't care about scrambling to keep her friends anymore, she's letting it go, loosing the grip onto them. They can come and go as they please and Phe will be fine, because she has herself. The strongest love she gets is from Phe, the most understanding she gets from Phe, and the best companionship she has is Phe.
She only needs herself.